I gave a version of the following talk at a conference in aspen…feel free to share and comment…
CW: death
I was asked to speak about where I am now and how I got here. I’m physically writing this at home in San Antonio but now I’m physically here with you. I’m career wise unemployed and actually, today, got rejected for the third time from the design firm that influenced my decision to attend Wellesley, move to Boston, and where I always saw myself working after graduation. I know all will be okay and eventually I will get over it but, in this moment, that I’m writing this, it stings for a number of reasons. It stings because I worked hard on my applications, it stings because if you knew anything about this firm and me, you would think we’re a match made in heaven; it stings because I really wanted it. However, I know it will be okay.
I know this because I’ve felt this exact way before and I’ve been through this experience before. Specifically, when I applied for the Albright Fellowship twice and was rejected both times. It hurt. I was morose, I never even got an interview. I took that reject a marker that I would never accomplish anything, least not my goals. I had built of this idea that Albright was this sort of panacea that would set me up for this life I envisioned for myself. I thought it would make accomplishing all of my stepping stone goals easier. So, you can see why I was distraught when I wasn’t selected. Instead I ended up in Colombia with a coffee farming co-operative. The story on how I ended up Colombia is still surreal 8 months later and it wouldn’t have happened had I not been rejected from 3 other student jobs over my sophomore and junior years. This story however began, when I was young.
There are few things from my precollege days that are vital to understanding my approach to living. One, I’ve always loved helping people, making things/experimenting, crafting, and designing spaces (although I didn’t know I wanted to study architecture until my senior year of high school). Second, there are few phrases I heard from my family like:
“1) I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want to (which backfired on parents very soon after them instilling this in me).
2) A closed mouth doesn’t get fed.
3) Everything happens for a reason.
4) The worst they/anyone can say is no.”
There are three more phrases that I carried with me:
“You have to be in the game to win.”
“Teamwork makes the dream work.”
“You have to know the rules of the game to play.”
Then there was one lesson I began to learn really quickly in life “The rules don’t apply and when they do, they are extremely flexible.” Each of these phrases and lessons influenced my life and decisions.
One final key piece of information that explains my journey is comes from the first scholarship I ever applied for, which I applied for my junior year of high school—before I knew where I would be or what I would major in (I had a vague idea of what I wanted to study but what that would be labeled was to be determined). One of the questions in the application asked something along the lines “Where do you see yourself in 10 years?”. I’m about halfway through the timeline in that prompt and while I didn’t accomplish some of things, I envisioned I would like graduating from Yale or having a bonfire on beaches with friends. I did accomplish all of the academic things like conducting research on water and agricultural remediation efforts and gaining architectural and design skills and confidence in these skills. I also made some wonderful friends along the way. I also accomplished things I never even imagined like traveling to Cabo Verde, Colombia, Austria, the UK, and Germany or presenting at conferences and getting actual spaces built on campus to support student activities. However, when I wrote my response I couldn’t have predicted the number of failures (or learning lessons) or the amount of support I would receive from friends, mentors, and professors.
When I first arrived at Wellesley I was definitely overwhelmed and tried to adjust my expectations for myself to reflect my new environment. I struggled immensely academically for the first 2-3 years. Anything that could have went wrong did from overloading my schedule by taking an MIT class my first semester to my laptop failing me for an entire semester to getting way to familiar with death, to say the least I wasn’t having the best time. Even though each seemed to somehow get worse than the last, I was determined to stay positive and swore each semester would be better than the last. In some ways that was true. At the end of my first year, I mentioned to a friend/mentor from my hometown that I was interested in doing research and she asked me if I was applying for the SERP program and offered to help me with my application. I had never heard of it but I looked into it and took her up on her offer. The position I applied was exactly what I was interested in: lead in agriculture with a possibility to do some remediation research. I literally wrote about this in that scholarship application. I was ecstatic when I was selected and I seriously consider majoring in geosciences because I was so in love and realized this major was more in line with my interests. I was pumped for sophomore year solely because I was doing research and taking chemistry. Things felt like they were improving, but then the semester became rocky because I was still trying to figure out this whole second major thing and my schedule changed like 5 times during the first two weeks because one of my classes wasn’t going to challenge me in the way I hoped. I ended up in German but I was really behind and super confused and struggled again. On top of that I was in a class that I had no background knowledge for but was a requirement for my major so I was super nervous and felt unsure if I belonged there but my advisor believed in me.
Then there was research, the sweetest reprieve from all the problems I faced outside of the lab. That’s not to say there weren’t problems with research, because research is all trial and error. It’s mostly seen as failure (in the traditional sense) but it’s really learning how the world does and doesn’t work or connect; and to me that was exciting. The only downside was that I’ve always been obsessed with water and I mostly focused on lead in soil. I yearned to work on water remediation or anything related to water. I learned so much that first year of research and I was sort of ready to branch out and lead my own research project but I was nervous. I wasn’t sure if the project I wanted to propose was dumb or a bad idea. I wasn’t sure how my advisor would take my proposal or how I would actually fund it. Turns out my advisor was excited about my project because it would provide insight on the mechanism behind on the project I previously worked on. It also turned out that the environmental studies department was actually starting a small grants program for students to pursue passion projects. I wrote my first grant application and received it after I provided some clarifications to the committee. I looked forward to starting research in the fall and going to Cabo Verde over the summer as an Anchor Point Technical/Engineering Fellow, especially given that my sophomore spring ended with the loss of one my classmates, the fact that I had been rejected from four on campus jobs I applied for at the end of the semester (I promise this whole job thing is important), and I had been rejected from Albright.
Traveling to Cabo Verde and working on a water related engineering project with amazing people at the University of Cabo Verde in PR was a truly bittersweet experience. Working in CV pushed me in new ways, bolstered my confidence in my own work, and shaped what I wanted to do with my life and how I wanted to do it. There were challenges in Cabo Verde from language barriers to addressing the loss of someone I had known my entire life to adjusting to living in a new country to general research problems (i.e. things not working as expected). The longest I had been out of the country before this was a week and I had only done that twice. I loved the in the field problem solving and challenges that arose, even when that meant digging through American and European trash to find the part needed to continue our research project. Through this experience, I began to gain a deeper understanding and vision of the career I wanted to create. I want it to be design and research based, hyper collaborative between traditional academics, activists, and everyday people (but especially young people), and I want it to focused on systems, space making, and empowerment.
I returned to the Wellesley with a broken hand, trauma, and relief that I hadn’t been chosen for any of the jobs I applied the previous semester because I wouldn’t have been able to do them. I really struggled at the beginning of my junior year from PTSD and the residual effects from a vehicle accident which is how I ended up with a broken hand. I needed to take a studio for my major and ended up having to drop another studio really wanted to take too. My schedule and second major were still a mess and but I tried to preserver through. I ended up taking a class at MIT which was not great for my anxiety or PTSD because of the bus ride between the two but I felt it wouldn’t get better if I didn’t push myself. This semester was definitely not my finest hour. Academically and socially it was better, because I was starting to get my footing but also because I moved into an amazing community, SCOOP, at Wellesley that was there for me when my life started falling apart. I had to put a pin in my research and any non-school work, because I just could not do it. I could barely do my school work. Mentally and physically I just didn’t have the energy to do anything extra. To this day I don’t know what I would have done without the support of my co-op.
Due to the accident, I had physical therapy for my hand every week. One of the questions they ask you when you start physical therapy is what do you want to be able to do at the end. I had a project that I needed to take glassblowing in order to complete, so I said glassblowing. She swiftly informed me that she didn’t think I would be able to do that any point this semester because it was going to be a while before I would have that much control in my hand again. I blindly still tried to get into glassblowing at MIT that semester. The registration for glassblowing is intense, it’s by lottery only and you have to be physically present to enter the lottery. There are over a hundred people who enter each semester. I wasn’t selected. I went on with my semester and figured I would try again next semester.
Over January, I felt a strong sense of relief I wasn’t selected for Albright partially because I knew I could apply again next year and, in the end, because I spent January in Berlin where met some really amazing people in the German department and in Germany in general.
Given some of the challenges I had the previous semester, I was (still) optimistic that this new semester would better than the previous one, because I was finally, actually going to be able to conduct my own research project; but man was I wrong. My grandmother died less than a week of me returning from Germany. She was partially the reason I went. She always encouraged me and my sister to travel, because she did so when she was younger. My whole world finally crashed. Nothing seemed real. I didn’t really tell anyone what happened except for a few people. I missed the first two weeks of class again. Every day was a challenge, but my co-op was there for me and supported me so much again. People welcomed me back with warm wishes and love. Professors gave me leniency, but some people were actually still not super understanding.
I don’t remember how, but I ended up in what was affectionally called the cruise class at MIT. It was a field oceanography class, that took a research cruise over spring break. I heard about the class from my TA from my fall MIT class. I wanted to be a marine biologist or oceanographer so I took this class and, in the end, I realized I didn’t want to be a field oceanographer because I was too removed from people. Plus being on a boat for a week straight is a strange and isolating experience. When I came back it was Albright application season. I had spent the entire week trying to craft what I thought were good responses to their questions. However, my responses (or me?) were not what they were looking for and I was rejected again. This was the time that it really hurt, because I knew I would never be able to apply again. I felt like a failure, even though so many aspects of my life were turning around towards the end of this semester and even considering that I dropped my second major entirely because I didn’t have the energy to fight the school for my independent major.
Earlier in the semester I mentioned to my architecture advisor that I wanted research desert living and climate change but I didn’t know of any opportunities. She suggested I apply for a Watson but under Watson I couldn’t research places in the US and I really wanted to focus on indigenous communities globally. Turned out there was actually a fellowship for architecture majors to pursue an internship or project related to architecture and this fit the requirements. I wrote a new proposal for this project to study how people, plants, and animals have lived in deserts and what are the takeaways from a climate change perspective. I knew I couldn’t do anything that summer. I needed to be home and rest physically, mentally, and emotionally. I did reset but I also did research towards the end of the summer based off of my project. I planned everything for the trip, which made me realize I really could pursue this seemingly lofty career goal/plan I had.
I never saw what was coming towards the end of that research trip. Earlier in the previous spring semester I had sent out a survey to find likeminded people interested in making things at Wellesley (and potentially get a makerspace at Wellesley). At this point on campus I had also developed this reputation as the glass blower/maker/person you reached out to when you wanted to do something creative on campus, because I took glassblowing at MIT (so yeah, I got into the lottery on my second try with a nearly healed hand). My advisor plugged this job opportunity at the Weissman Foundry and I think asked me to promote it in our makers at Wellesley Facebook group. I figured I might as well apply too, especially considering the previous on campus jobs I applied for didn’t hire me and honestly, this one paid more and had everything I could ever want so it turned out to be a blessing. I was actually hired and it was the best first job I could have asked for. Additionally, at the end of this research trip I saw all of the connections between my summer in Cabo Verde, growing up in San Antonio, and my love of gastronomy and plants. It all came together in a seed library. I also knew exactly what I wanted to explore in my Watson.
I was actually optimistic about the semester but also a bit hesitant, since the past 3 years started really poorly. All of my classes and research areas worked together so well and overlapped in such a meaningful way. I was finally able to take this MIT class that I was really excited about because it was everything that I wanted to learned and do from an architectural standpoint. That semester was actually perfect. I met some really pivotal people who would connect me with people at the firm I wanted to work at. My seed library was challenging me emotionally in unexpected ways because it caused me to embrace some painful truths about the natural and built environment and explain them to people who didn’t fully understand. On top of everything, I was Architecture and Design Club president and I wanted to invite 3 key architects (Liam Young, Liz Ogbu, and Michael Murphey) to campus to speak, 2 of which were people I had never met but all three were influential in my approach to design. In the end I was only able to get 2 out of the 3 to campus but I was still able to meet everyone and have dinner with each of them. What was actually more surreal about this semester was Liam Young happened to be teaching a class at MIT. I somehow got off of the waitlist for this all graduate student class and was able to take this class with this person that I so admired. The Funambulist podcast with him, changed my perspective on everything but most importantly my work. I listened to it while I was in Cabo Verde and it made that summer slightly better and made excited for my lead remediation research. I had new ideas about showcasing my work and accessibility. His class, however, was actually not great and I didn’t enjoy it as much as I had hoped, but I enjoyed hearing him speak and explain his thoughts which is always inspiring. The fact that this class was my lowest point of that semester was really a high point for me.
The best moment however came when I was at work at the Weissman Foundry and I was planning an event for next semester. I didn’t know how to divide people into meaningful groups to increase conversations amongst students so I went to MIT’s dlab website to inspire me. I saw an advert for a co-design class being offered over IAP/wintersession. I noticed the deadline had passed but figured why not try, the worst they can say is no. I asked if it was too late but, I didn’t receive a response so I submitted an application anyways, since the application was still up. I should also clarify that this application said this opportunity was only open to MIT students, but I’m not going to lie I wasn’t really sure if that meant no Wellesley students since it wasn’t explicit and glassblowing is also only open to MIT students but I did that too. Plus, dlab let’s Wellesley students participate in trips. I didn’t expect anything. I applied late, I wasn’t even an MIT student, and the decisions for the trip were coming out in 3 days. I planned to stay home and work remotely on stuff for the Foundry over break, but my boss (and my mom) swore I was going on this trip.
This was when things got really unbelievable. The trip organizer emailed me back. He said he was impressed with my application and would love to have me on the trip. We chatted over the phone, and I wanted to ensure that me being a Wellesley student wouldn’t be a problem. Turned out it was, but then it wasn’t. This guy that barely knew me, made a way for me to participate because he was so impressed with my application. I was touched. My parents were nervous for me to go because Colombia was notoriously dangerous and their fears were confirmed/justified when a bomb went off while we were there, on our back into the city from the farms. Other that sole negative aside, the whole experience was life changing (which I recognize sounds a little cliché) not because working with a community was a truly transformative experience. Rather, if I not gone; a few things would not have happened. One, I wouldn’t have further solidified my career goals and gained greater clarity about my life. Two, my team’s project would not have happened and the whole program would not have changed. I literally changed their entire course, which is still amazing because it shows one person can truly make a difference. Let me explain.
There were about 20ish students from MIT, Guatemala, Peru, and Colombia on this trip. We were divided into two teams to work with two different farms. Each teams’ projects were decided by the community given time constraints and each team’s skillset. Given my prior interest and experience with agriculture (I grew up gardening and holistic/sustainable farming practices) and working at a zoo, I understand ecotourism and educational outreach; so, I had a unique skill set amongst my peers. It also meant that when Carlitos, one of the coffee farmers/beekeepers asked if anyone knew anything about bees and beekeeping, I was the only one who knew. I didn’t understand how that one moment would actually change so many outcomes. I remember it being very frenzied and hectic. It was at the end of our research session. It was so personal, because I was the only who know anything about beekeeping so it was Carlitos, Alejandra, and me. After listening to him I was able to propose a project which the entire community wanted and would benefit everyone. I designed some affordable and physically accessible beehives for two different types of bees, the traditional commercial African bees and the native Angelita bees. Both of which I knew about from previous research, my general interests in beekeeping, and extreme love of food. I led this team of graduate students, designed a structure, worked with an amazing community, and ended up being able to taste this honey I’ve dreamt about. Now the course is switching gears to focus more on beekeeping to meet community demands and needs.
I go on this long tangent/backstory to say the following as many events had to happen as many rejections had to happen in order for me to realize that while I may have been rejected from my dream design firm 3 times, Watson, and Knafel; I know something better is going to come. I swore I needed Albright to be successful or that it was going to be panacea for my post grad career; that it would shape my life in such a meaningful way and in a way it did just not the way I was expecting. I didn’t need to participate in Albright, in fact it was better that I didn’t, because I was rejected twice but ended up exactly where I needed to be and in a much more meaningful place. It’s also why I’ve learned not to stress about rejections, I know something will come. I just try my best and work towards my ultimate career goal of starting a collaborative design and research studio focused on creating the deepest level of collaboration between traditional academics and communities to address systematic issues in those communities.